Monday, August 10, 2009

Douchebag filters

I don't get approached by strangers in bars; douchebags don't talk to me. I've generally met potential suitors through friends or at parties or similarly vetted circumstances.

To anticipate comments from hecklers and trolls (ha, like I get that much traffic), I don't think it's because I'm not attractive. I think it's because I have a couple of douchebag filters in place:
  1. Small breasts. I am among the, as Kathy put it recently, tinily voluptuous.
  2. Abrasive personality.
#1, of course, is involuntary. Nonetheless, having minimal tits means that only the most hardcore intellectuals and weird aesthetes find me sexy, so it puts me at an advantage when it comes to avoiding frat boys and jerkwads. (Added bonus: I can go braless, which is especially nice in summer. There are disadvantages of course. I'll never be on the cover of Maxim, etc.)

#2, on the other hand, is largely voluntary, though I'm sure I'm giving off unconscious signals too. (For instance, my natural, relaxed expression is kind of a frown, and I don't usually actively smile at strangers unless they are:
  • Exceptionally attractive, non-douchey men.
  • Babies or toddlers (especially if they smile at me first).
  • Well-dressed women (only if they smile at me first).
  • Couples.
  • Over 50, etc.)
Being kind of mean and a snob is great in bars, because douchebags don't want to deal with some uppity bitch who's going to make fun of their senses of fashion and humor (or lacks thereof) and challenge their conventional worldviews.

Upon reflection, #1 is probably more important than #2, since hot bitches with nice racks do get approached by douchebags.

32 comments:

  1. 1. I hope you get to use this tag again.

    2. Is 50 really your senior citizen cut-off line?! Don't you know it's ilke the new 20, or something?

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  2. my unkempt, "bike-helmet" hair, wrinkled clothing, mismatched socks, foppish personality, obscurantist discourse: bimbo filter.

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  3. A female friend recently tried to counsel me on how to talk to women in bars. I can't even fathom it. I don't see how anyone does it.

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  4. yeah matt, true dat. does anyone even do that?

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  5. I never said people over 50 are senior citizens! But they are less threatening, somehow. I.e., less likely to interpret a smile as an invitation for date rape.

    Someone who's good at talking to women in bars needs to weigh in with some tips.

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  6. I think I do it when I want to, but I'm probably not good at it. My tip: drink more

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  7. A couple of co-workers (the Axe men mentioned a couple posts back, actually) are good at (or at least put effort and thought into trying to be good at) approaching women in bars. One of their tactics is to buy and study books of simple magic tricks (stuff you can do with common household items like beer glasses and dollar bills and coins) and use those as ways to garner positive female attention. So you could do that? They were showing me some of them yesterday, and they're kind of charming in their wholesome corniness. Oh, and, in light of this post's label, I should add: these guys are really nice--not douchey at all.

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  8. Yeah magic tricks don't sound douchey. Douchebags neg! A magic trick is like, the opposite of a neg.

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  9. Negging has a bad rap, it arises organically during a natural flirtation.

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  10. Not in the world of "The Game" -- men are coached to use (often rehearsed) negs strategically to knock attractive women off their pedestals.

    I have no beef with the organic, well-meaning neg but it often isn't.

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  11. What about the "If you ask a DB what the definition of a 'DB' is, what would they say?" issue?!?!

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  12. yes, that remains unanswered. the related questions for this post are that, and what do you call female douchebags?

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  13. I feel like it's not gender-neutral. If I say "So these douchebags walk in..." people will picture men.

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  14. My friend Ken is a master; he's also extremely attractive, latino (a latino named Ken Beasley), and manages to seem adorable rather than douchey. Also, he's a talented guitar-player. You can't learn from him; he's like Mozart with the ladies. (Llalan says he's hot, too, and I don't even mind.) In college, with his good-natured and earnest encouragement, I used to try and follow in his footsteps (the scene: Miguel's, a live salsa club in Austin, where you're actually expected to ask girls out), but always failed so miserably it's sort of not even embarrassing but enjoyable to remember it all. I once took one step toward a girl at Miguel's and she vigorously shook her head before I'd even said hello. Ken was dancing with her later. Whatever.

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  16. Yes, I've heard of the legend of Eric. You wouldn't expect it, either -- or I wouldn't; he strikes me as a shy, unassuming, sort of awkward guy (in a good way)... But clearly there's a tiger underneath.

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  17. He's totally got the shy, unassuming thing going on. Which is probably part of why it works--he appears non-threatening, and by confidently approaching women he catches them off-guard (in a good way).

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  18. The rumors of my prowess are greatly exaggerated.

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  19. that's exactly what an "unassuming" pickup artist WOULD say!!!!

    :)

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  20. I did *hough* on my fingernails and polish them on my shirt front as I said that.

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  21. this thread has just joined the threadosphere!

    http://a.tinythread.com/Lq9qJelXyw

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  22. I just had to look up this "neg" you all keep referring to, and now I hate humanity a little bit more.

    As anybody who's ever met me knows, I'm right with you on the "my natural face is a frown" thing. Although, the negative result seems to be more attention, not less: Few things in this world annoy me more than the comments from random dudes on the street telling me to "Smile!" Mostly because I guarantee they're not telling other guys to smile, but it's our "womanly duty" or something to be buckets of sunshine.

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  23. Christen, I've totally had that conversation (on Twitter and other blogs) recently. I hate it too!!! As I said elsewhere, when some asshole on the street tells me to smile, I want to shout back, "Maybe my mom just died, you don't know my life!" What kind of invertebrate a) walks around smiling all the time or b) complies when told?

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  24. what if instead of "smile!" they said "hubba-hubba"

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  25. that would be a marked improvement.

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  26. I saw a guy on the train the other day smiling broadly to himself the whole way into town, and it completely freaked me out. I still see his face. (*Shudder*)

    I'm a natural scowler myself, and I've been told to smile by a dude before, though it was followed with, "Jesus loves you."

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  27. I'm always telling women to smile, but because I'm speaking over an intercom and they suddenly realize they're showering on camera they never comply.

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  28. So in your case, "Smile" means "Say cheese!"

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  29. It means "I cannot sell footage of ladies frowning in the shower."

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  30. Way to steal my feminist anger and righteousness, Chip!

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  31. No, no, Christen -- it was an exception, and it was all about Jesus, not me. You are totally righteous.

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  32. Dudes, I have a nice rack and still never get approached in bars. My insane fear of flirting always stifles any interaction. Most guys don't find "panick attack" all that attractive. Also, it could be that I never go to bars. Ugh.

    A guy I went out on ONE date with once told me to "smile" over email. It immediately killed any interest I'd had in him. I still don't completely understand it, but it did.

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