Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Infinite jokes

Certain jokes from my past remain funny to me eternally. Do you have any of those? Bottomless jokes. I don't mean the poodle-walks-into-a-bar type of jokes, I mean organic jokes, from my real life. Here are some of mine (Note! Profanity ahead):
  • My friend David Castillo from Rice was good at these. Once, we were driving to New Orleans, and he suddenly announced, in an announcer voice, "And now, introducing, Miss River Bridge!" Right after he said it my roommate Kate and I saw the road sign reading:


    (you know, as in Mississippi) and just about pissed ourselves.

    I realize most of these are going to be you-had-to-be-theres.

  • Another time there was a flier pasted up by the 'vators, as we called them, in our "college" (what you call dorms), enticing people to join the Ultimate Frisbee team, with a picture of a guy leaping to catch the "disc" and the tagline "Find out what you're made of." Under that, David wrote "Mostly water."

  • David was me and Kate's suitemate; our other suitemate, Will Ray, was also a sheer delight. One day he decided we should come up with a catchy mnemonic for our phone number, or rather, the last four digits, since the first three were the same for everyone on campus, or at least our building. But the best we could come up with for those was "UR1C." Will pointed out that you can keep dialing after seven digits and still get to the right phone number, so we could tack on more letters after the C. For instance, he suggested, our mnemonic number could be 713-348-U-R-1-COCKFACED-FUCKFORCE.

  • One of my favorite jokes ever (and prodigiously related to my current career!) was the time Allen typed "pot rulezzzz" into Google and it returned, like, tens of thousands of results. Then he kept adding another z, and another, and no matter how many you added, there were always results.

  • Here's one I'm responsible for. I was eating dinner with my friends Robo and Stacey at my brother's old crappy apartment in North Austin back around the millennium (come to think of it all of these so far are Rice-era), and Robo asked my brother what music was playing, and he said Mozart. I added, as though Robo might not be familiar with him, "He's excellent." Sorry. I don't know why, but I still think that's funny.

  • I should have some from my brother, but I can't think of any right now except for the time we were at Taco Cabana with Wilson, probably the nicest guy ever (he taught me to play proper (Asian grip) ping pong), and my brother said to him, "Wipe that silly grin off your face, before I tear out your eye and skullfuck you." Sorry. Actually I think the shine is off that one.

  • I still think this poem I co-wrote with Kathy several years ago is funny:
    Say your prayers, princess--
    I didn't become a knight to meet girls.
    I wouldn't slay a dragon--
    I became a knight to meet dragons.
    It's like he's gay. For dragons.

  • Uhhhhh....
I was going to provide you with a pasta recipe, but that seems real taxing now. 'Til the morrow.


  1. Years back, during the 1992 presidential election campaign (Bush Sr. and Clinton and Ross Perot), a couple of friends of mine were home one evening watching the candidate debates on T.V. At one point their daughter (maybe 2-3 years old) pointed at Ross Perot on T.V. and said, "I want one of those dolls."

    They attempted to explain to their daughter that it wasn't a doll, it was a real person, but she wasn't persuaded: "I want one of those dolls."

  2. Re-reading our poem, I literally LOL'd. L'dOL?

  3. @Lyle: AHHH! That's amazing.

    @KR: Nice.

    By the way, I remembered after posting that it was actually "gouge out your eye," not "tear out." That's funnier.

  4. all the examples i can think of from my life are when we quoted movies in high school.

    "he's a man. we wrestled." --barton fink

    "i can't die!" --miller's crossing

    those are two examples. we also made a movie of our own, in which I had one line: "anal sex!" in a falsetto voice.

  5. Good line.

    Two of my favorite recurring jokes from recent years are "Why don't you write a poem about it" (when something occurs about which a poet who is present has written) and "Forthcoming!" (proclaimed as either dibs or "You're it" when someone utters something titular).

  6. Yeps. I went to Rice as an undergrad. I have a soft spot for Houston, actually.

  7. How 'bout a post on Austin vs Houston. That's bound 2 B a fan favorite

  8. Ha ha ha. Good idea. I'll probably get egged.

  9. hey, did you ever write about why you're not on facebook? sometimes i read your blog and find myself frustrated with the fact that i get no pithy status updates from elisa on facebook. it's a strange feeling.

  10. My friend Iain from high school is a master at ridiculous and subtle humor (he's Canadian, of Scottish ancestry; I don't know if that's relevant). Once a few years ago we were driving together down a freeway (near Houston, as it turns out) and a semi passed us, one of those with the long trailer carrying logs -- really full pine-tree trunks with the branches cut off -- and the orange flag tied to the back. As it passed us, Iain said, in a low, excited, conspiratorial voice, "I got the trees! I got the trees!" Somehow I knew immediately that he was impersonating the truck, it was in his tone, I guess, and I fell out laughing, pissing myself laughing, and so did he (he laughs very loudly at his own jokes; I love him), and now, whenever we see one of those trucks, we say the same thing and laugh all over again. I have never, ever been able to explain this adequately to other people.

  11. WP: That's an excellent idea for a post. I'll make a note to do that soon.

    I do deliver pithy status updates via Twitter, BTW. It would be cool if there were some way you could subscribe to those, via Facebook, without me having to be on there.

    Chip: I hate not being able to explain organic jokes out of context. No one ever laughs at MISS RIVER BRIDGE. That said, I like the trees joke a lot. It might help that I just looked at a bunch of pictures of Pete Cashmore and now I'm picturing Iain as Pete Cashmore.

  12. ooh i am interested in the FB post as maybe i can gather some conversation fodder from it.

    i will also be needing "why don't i own a mac, iphone, or ipod" and "why don't i have some sort of digital music library" and "why do i not follow sports teams in boston", etc.

  13. Ha -- no, he looks nothing like Pete Cashmore. He's stout and jolly, has a goatee, and wears very colorful button-up shirts. I guess if you were on Facebook, you could see the pictures.

  14. I prefer to keep picturing Pete Cashmore.

    Allen: Unfortch I do own an iPod/have a digital music libe. Maybe you could do a guest post and just refer people there.

  15. i just deleted my twitter account yesterday. i had nothing to say. how f'in sad is that! i hold on to the promise of the facebook post.

  16. I think most such jokes are "You have to be there" because it's knowing the people involved that makes them so funny.

    I have one friend who used to be in a band and when on the road was infamous for eating too much bacon: Bacon Mike.

    Another friend, after an incident at a baseball game, became: Sausage Mike.

    So I have two friends, Bacon Mike and Sausage Mike.

    Not funny to anyone but the people who know them, but to the people who know them, endlessly hilarious. I'm laughing about it again right now in fact.

    Another: my mother, worried about recent accidents, "There are a lot of deer on the highway lately."

    Me, without hesitation: 'They're driving now?"

    I know, I know. But you asked.

  17. a joke my father always used to tell me:

    Q: why is a mouse when it spins?

    A: the higher, the fewer

    @_@ :^o

  18. Jumping in for a service announcement: you can subscribe to someone's Twitter updates on Google Reader.

  19. Yes, keep them coming folks.

    Chris: I don't understand yours at all. Wha???

    Christen: Wow, do you do that?

  20. One time when I was a kid, we were eating dinner (my mom, dad, sister and me -- my sister is three years younger than me), and my mom and sister were having some silly argument about something, and after a couple of minutes of it my mom gave up arguing and said one of the true classics:

    "Now shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    My sister and I looked at each other, couldn't believe our mom had actually said that, a thing people previously had only said on T.V., and we both broke up laughing.

    This might be in the "had to be there" category, but to this day I still can't believe she actually said that.

  21. in college me and a group of friends went to eat a waffle house really late after going to see a concert. a couple of us were following the larger group in my friends van, and for some reason they stopped so we all got out on the side of the road before we got to waffle house. of course, they locked the keys in the van. after a stroke of genius, we unscrewed the van's antenna and my friend bobby was able to squirrel it into the door lining and hit the unlock button. we were all gathered around the van's windows watching the little locks, and when they popped up we all erupted in the hugest victory battle cry and my friend bobby screamed "give me sex" in exaltation.

    i still laugh out loud so hard every time i think about that. "give me sex"

  22. When I was in the fifth grade, my science teacher, Ms. Ream, started a unit on the planets. I came home that night very excited. I told my parents at the dinner table that we were going to learn about our solar system. My dad, who had himself had Ms. Ream when we was at the same school years before, told me to ask Ms. Ream a very important question the next day in class. He had me memorize the question and practice it out loud a few times.

    In class the next day, when Ms. Ream paused at one point to ask if anybody had any questions, I raised my hand and said, "Ms. Ream, my dad wants to know if there's life on Uranus."

    Ms. Ream, without missing a beat, replied, "Chad, go tell your dad that it's none of his business!"

  23. I bank at HSBC, and every HSBC branch in New York has this tape mounted to the side of every exit door, with heights from 4'-6" to 6'-6" calibrated on it. Presumably there's a security camera aimed straight at it so as to record any criminals on their way out. And for years and years now, without fail -- probably on the average of twice a month -- I have never walked out of an HSBC bank without saying to myself, "You must be THIS TALL to rob the bank." And, silently, laughing my fool head off for a moment.

  24. Recently came back from Houston (lived there and Rice waitlisted me for undergrad), then remembered why I don't like Houston.

  25. what's fun for nine out of ten people?

    gang rape.

  26. Did you really create a blogger profile just to tell me that joke? You're awesome.

  27. or what about the one where buddha goes to the hot dog stand in NYC; he says, 'make me one with everything'.

  28. I prefer this variation:

    Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

    A: Do you have any Tofu Pups?

    Get it? #antijoke

  29. have you seen the movie AntiChrist? that movie is no joke.