1. August Kleinzahler is like sausage.
2. I'm not even sure that there aren't Shakespeare conventions.
3. If you don't participate in the activities associated with geekiness, by definition you're not a geek.
4. It's not schadenfreude, since that is taking pleasure in someone else's misfortune, when I was taking pleasure in my own.
5. The implication is that you expect unattractive people to be worthless in every respect.
6. The editor of the Readings section of Harper's finds nothing so droll as human torture.
7. No one thinks you go to school to learn to be talented.
8. If that doesn't convey maniacal laughter from the grave, I don't know what does.
9. Do it enough and suddenly everyone thinks you have style.
10. Americans are remarkably immune to cognitive dissonance.
11. Having minimal tits means that only the most hardcore intellectuals and weird aesthetes find me sexy, so it puts me at an advantage when it comes to avoiding frat boys and jerkwads.
12. How fucking opulent could this party be if the only beverage choices are "red" and "white"?
13. My type is a combination of ego and the weird.
14. How dumb is it that the Weekly Dig has a five-star rating system in which two stars equal "average" and one star equals "meh"?
15. It's like asking what's the difference between a molecule and a meerkat.
16. With no frame of reference, it was impossible to tell if it was the size of an actual UFO or a remote control toy.
17. It's like trying to pick your Scrabble tiles and all the shitty ones the last guy rejected are on top.
18. You can't rank kittens!!!
19. How long before it's synonymous with society and to remain on the outside I'll have to go full-on Unabomber?
20. I've always wondered, is Stuff White People Like itself an entry on Stuff White People Like?
21. Just put one of these books on your coffee table, pour yourself a scotch and feeling the fucking glow.