Monday, June 6, 2011

Jokes

I have nothing to blog about lately. I feel disturbed, why do I have no thoughts/ideas? Sorry guys. Instead of anything substantial or interesting, here are some silly/offensive jokes. This is one of the cutest jokes I've ever heard:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "That looks painful. Does it hurt?" The pirate says, "Arrrggh, it's driving me nuts."
Isn't that cute? You have to do the pirate voice, obvs.

Here's one I made up. (SPOILER ALERT: blasphemy, etc.)
Q: How come nobody knew Jesus was gay?
A: Because he had a beard.
Probably I am not the first to think of that joke.

Making up jokes is one of my favorite car games. It's best to focus on a certain genre, e.g., anatomy puns or hinky-pinkies, which are riddles with rhyming answers like "sultry poultry" (fill in your own question). Lately John and I have been focusing on pickle jokes.
Q: Why didn't the pickle succeed in any one area?
A: He was just a dill-ettante.

Q: Which pop star do pickles love most?
A: Britney Spears.
Please leave your favorite pickle/pirate/Jesus jokes in the comments.

28 comments:

  1. Jesus says, "Let the one with no sin cast the first stone." A stone comes flying toward the adulterous woman and he say... "Mom... !!"

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  2. I love Jesus jokes. With all my heart. I had a good snicker.

    Here's my favorite pirate joke that I'm sure you have heard a thousand times:

    Have you hear about the new Pirate movie?


    Wait for it.....


    It's Rated ARRRRRRRRRRRHHHH

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  3. Yes, I have heard that one. :)

    A good anti-joke variation to tell in New York is:

    What subway line do the pirates like to ride?

    [Pirate Voice:] The Q train!

    (Because you thought the answer was going to be R ...)

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  4. Here's one I just made up:

    Q. Why was Johnny Appleseed a coward?

    A. He never grew a pear.

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  5. NICE, another crotch pun! You can't go wrong with a crotch pun.

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  7. Why was Paul Weller never in a pickle?

    Because he was in The Jam.

    (I'll be getting my coat...)

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  8. He: A giant pickle fell from the sky and crashed through my roof yesterday.

    She: Did it make the evening news?

    He: Oh, yes. It was a really big dill.

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  9. Q: Why is the pickle container always open?
    A: Because it's ajar.

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  10. Q. Why didn't Jesus like to shoot pool using a pickle?

    A. He found the cue cumbersome.

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  11. Q. If Jesus was gay, who would his two favorite disciples be?

    A. Peter and Andrew because they were fissures of men.

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  12. I used to work with this madman in a university library--it was sort of like Denis Johnson's story about working with a spaced-out orderly in an emergency room--and we spent a morning trying to come up with a punchline for "Say, did you hear about the shootout at the seaside bar?" Eventually I came up with "The sailors had an argument with the landlubbers about row v. wade."

    The word verfication is funnier than that: bannoed.

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  13. Hmm.

    Some kind of argument over a shell game?

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  14. Why are Korean tacos always served hot?

    Because there's no such thing as cold fusion.

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  15. Why shouldn't you eat at a Chinese German restaurant?

    Because an hour later you'll be hungry for power.

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  16. This isn't exactly a Jesus joke, but my son shared it with his pastor on a golf outing, making it deliciously inappropriate:

    Hey, why do they call it 'golf?'

    Why?

    Because 'fuck!' was already taken.

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  17. Heh. What are some of your Jesus jokes? I don't really know any, hence my need to make them up.

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  18. A pickle walks into a bar and orders a beer, and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

    *

    Did you hear that they cancelled Easter this year?

    [Pause]

    Yeah, they found the body.

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  19. If Santa had sex with a pickle, what would you call their baby boy?


    Claussen

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  20. On what radio stations do you hear Bob Dillon?

    Vlasic rock.

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  21. Ooh, Santa jokes are a whole new genre. the possibilities!

    David, that one is excellent.

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  22. Not exactly a joke but my kid once asked me if Jesus got birthday presents or Christmas presents on December 25.

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  23. There needs to be a joke about that. Something like, "Why did Jesus hate his birthday? Because everyone always forgot about it -- they were celebrating Christmas."

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  24. Why did Jesus hate Christmas?

    Because it always fell on his birthday.

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  25. Roman Soldier I: How is Jesus like your wife?

    Roman Soldier II: I don't know. How is Jesus like my wife?

    Roman Soldier I: I nailed them both.

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  26. In retrospect, I think it would work better this way: "How is your wife like Jesus?"

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