Mike (@__MICHAELJ0RDAN): "Why do people drink milk? Why would you want to drink something that comes out of a cows penis?"
Twitter fact: Use a B-list celebrity as your avatar and everything you say is instantly funnier. See also @alrokerspeaks. Woodland creatures work too, to an extent.
Daniel Casey (@winslowbobbins): "Jesusfuck, how many christian radio stations does the middle of nowhere need? Pennsylvania sucks..."
This tweet would not be funny without the compound blasphemy-swear.
Amelia Gray (@grayamelia) "Best believe I'm casually moving my book to the 'recommended' table at the airport bookstore"
This gets extra points for reminding me that "Best believe" is an expression. I'd totally do this if my book could ever get into an airport bookstore in the first place.
Roxane Gay (@rgay): (1/2) "Guys. I finished the 50 Shades trilogy. The ending defies credulity with such precision it is almost impressive." (2/2) "I literally had to take a deep breath at the end of the book, and say, 'Are you fucking serious?'"
If you don't have anything nice to say about bestsellers, come join my feed.
Peter Jurmu (@Lemnisk): "I sentence you to 30 years of being well known for your peevish metafiction"
Sorry Ben Marcus, that means you.
Molly Laich (@MollyL): "So the baby is upside down in mom's tummy? Which way is it facing? forward? To one side? I don't get it."
Right? Makes no sense.
Sean Gentille (@seangentille): ".@GeraldoRivera What are your thoughts on cargo shorts? Asking for a friend."
In response to Geraldo's claim that a hoodie killed Trayvon, of course. Brilliant.
Jim Behrle (@behrle): "Tell it to my butt-hurt heart"
Funny poets make good tweeters. - Robert Frost.
Tony homo (@BevisSimpson): "Scientists continue search for 'Laziness Gene' that will explain why children of impoverished parents often fail to become wealthy"
Nearly indistinguishable from actual science.
Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood): "Always have short hair, idiots -- unless you have long hair, in which case, keep it up, that looks beautiful"
Tricia is known for her "sexts," but this non-sext is my definite favorite (and newly apropos!). I believe it was Tricia who said "Poems are jokes." Well, so are tweets. Also, I remember when she had fewer followers than me.
la petite bort (@important_celeb): "we did it, you guys, we saved daylight"
"You guys" is another one of those phrases that's inexplicably funny on Twitter.
your maugham (@mattcozart): "@VagTalk o. henry story: pregnant woman looks forward to beer for 9 months. baby is born. woman picks up beer. sell-by date... yesterday!"
This was in response to Sommer Browning (@vagtalk) tweeting "They call it a due date, but I see it more like the day I will drink 347 beers."
Kendra Grant Malone (@kendragmalone) "srsly just heard a girl at work say 'i find it fascinating how tarot puts string theory to work' TIME TO DIE"
Again ... nearly indistinguishable from actual science.
brendle what (@brendlewhat): "It says here on your resume that you're only pretending to be interested in this job interview because you need money to live. Haha, right!?"
Story of everyone's life.
Dogs doing things (@dogsdoingthings): "Dogs holding out a map showing the whole history of your desire and casually tossing it at your feet, sneering: 'Disgusting.'"
I'm not really into the whole dogs-doing-things thing, but really, it's pretty good.
Robert Toole (@TooleRobert): "Avoid hiring unlucky people. Take half the applicant's resumes and throw them in the trash."
Punctuation error forgiven, I LOVE THIS ONE.
Mike Meginnis (@mikemeginnis): (1/2) "The term 'assclown' mystifies me. It doesn't upset me. I just don't understand it." (2/2) "#someoneexplainassclownstome"
I wish I could Mike!
mikeayoung (@mikeayoung): "It is more than a little erotic to do an impression of someone right in front of them."
Not funny. Just profound.
Ruth Graham (@publicroad): "Anyone have any connections at a college literary magazine? I just took a close-up photo of a tree branch covered in ice."
Best ever burn on the college lit-zine scene.
chris busch (@mstcambot): "had the radio on for two hours, heard 'We Found Love' 3 times and 'Sorry For Party Rockin' twice. Have we run out of songs? Write more songs"
The lack of the period at the end is inspired.
Joel Johnson (@joeljohnson): "life hack: cry into your mouth #lifehacks"
I have this vague idea that Joel Johnson "is a dick" but I can't fully explain how much this tweet means to me. I think of it often.
Rob Delaney (@robdelaney): "I think Newt hit the nail on the head when he said 'I am a weird liar & what appears to be my 3rd chin is where I store extra hate.'"
Rob Delaney is a comedian and one of the few "famous" people I follow on Twitter (famous as in hundreds of K's of followers, but not a billion like Kim Kardashian or whatever). Political poems should aspire to the beauty of good political jokes. Also, Rob Delaney is a feminist. (Another good one: "Sex should never be used as a weapon. Unless we're fighting in a sex war, against alien fuckbots.")
Remy Wilkins (@13thieves): "I love it when activism is so easy. I've clicked so many anti-SOPA links I just leveled up to a Ectoplasmic Mage."
Protip: If you want to win my heart, obliquely acknowledge that social media activism is bullshit signaling, then use the word "mage."
Mark Peters (@wordlust): "Republican birth announcements say 'It’s a boy!' or 'It’s a slut!'"
There is no "too soon" on Twitter, which is good, because with hoodies and birth control being criminalized, I prefer laughing through my tears to just plain crying. This guy is almost as funny as Rob Delaney, but with 1/100 as many followers. Make it happen, people.
Aaron Belz (@aaronbelz): "Uggh!! Am I supposed to love this Henri Cole book? :("
This is a form ("Uggh!! [insert complaint] :(") that Aaron Belz, to my knowledge, has invented, at least when used with irony. Another favorite: "Dear Sir: I'm generally not one to not respond to an email, but in this case I'm going to make a profound exception. Yours truly, Aaron Belz"
Rei Robinson (@geniustown): "'That's when I noticed my fly was open,' Tom pointed out."
What can I say, I love a good Tom Swifty. To quote myself, Twitter has done a lot for the state of puns in America.
Rae Hoffman-Dolan (@sugarrae): "#protip move on"
Another one I think of often. Pretty much the best advice I've ever heard.
Sarang (@excitedstoat): "Out: the tears of a clown. In: the rectal tears of an assclown."
Included for the callback. Sarang and Mike Meginnis, you should be in touch!
Kirsten Lewis (@kirstenLphotog): "I'd like to live out the rest of my existence in Child's Pose. It'll be tough to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream out of a cone though."
Most tweets in this list, I realize, are from people I have never met in person. (This is the magic of Twitter; if you want to read Ashton's stream of consciousness, more power to you. Most accounts are public.) Kirsten I actually know. She is funny and has a really big mouth. I mean literally, you could fit your fist in there.
A. M. Katon (@AdamKaton) "Would somebody PLEASE tell the child at the front of the bus screaming nonsense numbers like ELEVENTY TWON and FREVEN that he fucking RULES?"
Comedy! I love it when they subvert your expectations.
Mister Simian (@MisterSimian): "I know someone who, in a fit of irony, got off on a bus."
Mister Simian is one of those Twitter friends I've never met. His bio is "Statutory ape." For all I know he might actually be an ape. If so, he's highly intelligent.
ryancall (@ryancall): "7th grader said my drawing was sort of cool. i said 'yeah, its okay.' he said, 'thats why i said sort of.'"
One of the first five tweets I ever favorited. Here's the second one:
mark leidner (@markleidner) "joanna newsom's voice is great, she just sucks at harp in a way i cannot abide"
And that's all folks! There are many other favorites I could not include, because I have a Band-Aid on my left index finger and am subject to womanly whims.