Wednesday, June 6, 2012

My favorite tweets of all time, part 2

Much like reading any Jeeves and Wooster story, going through my "favorites" on Twitter is a guaranteed good time. These are just some of the tweets I have favorited since the last time I did this.

Mark Peters (‏@wordlust): Do these guys with ironic mustaches also drive ironic vans and commit ironic molestation?

This is funny because it's irony week.

Adam Peterson (‏@AdamWPeterson): If you can't spot the crazy person in the coffeeshop then you are in your apartment.

Comedy fact: Crazy people are always funny until they threaten to slit your throat.

Gaby Dunn (‏@gabydunn): It's always weird to see a nerd smoking a cigarette. Like, aren't you supposed to know science, nerd?!

Making fun of nerds was always cool, but it's meta-cool on Twitter, where nerds are king.

nadya lev (‏@nadya): Just won "pants before noon" for the first time in weeks. This game is hard.

The only time I win this game is when I go to brunch.

Matthew Simmons ‏(@matthewjsimmons): If there's only one other person on the bus, it's impolite not to sit with them.

It's funny because it's the opposite.

Nick Moran (‏@nemoran3) Shout out to indigo for trying to convince everyone it isn't the same color as blue.

Ha ha! Indigo. (Real talk: This episode of Radiolab on why the sky isn't blue is pretty rad, and I hate NPR.)

rob delaney ‏(@robdelaney):  ?? RT @BarackObama: How many sausages do you think there are, total? I guess the # changes... people eat some, new sausages get made. Hmm.

I don't know if Rob Delaney invented the form of commenting on a fake RT of POTUS, but he certainly perfected it.

Molly Laich (‏@MollyL): I saw a coyote with a crow in its mouth. Guess what; it was awesome.

I'm the only one who faved this tweet? Bullshit.

Mister Simian (‏@MisterSimian): I may not be human, but if you bleed me, are you not a prick?

You know what they say about monkeys and typewriters.

Kelly* (‏@kellyasterisk): I really wish palindrome was a palindrome. Someone really shit the bed on naming words that day

Words that aren't autological can fuck themselves.

Steve Himmer (‏@SteveHimmer): I don't like to think the worst of people, such as they're ignoring my emails on purpose. So I just assume they're dead.

Oh yes. Is it just writers who do this? Or all assholes?

Here's Ari Weinberg, in response to me:

I still think it's fucked up that he only has 6 or 7 sons. EXPLAIN.

And this from Daniel Nicholls after getting a notification from LinkedIn that "Sky Ram has indicated you are a friend":

And speaking of Zizek:

Sommer Browning ‏(@VagTalk): 50 bucks says Zizek is eating a donut at any given time.

Honestly, I don't even know what that means.

Carrie Murphy (‏@carriemurph): god, bad tomatoes are bad.

They are SHIT, right?

Carissa Halston ‏(@carissahalston): Why isn't midnight referred to as low noon?

Because people are overall idiots.

Dana Tommasino ‏(@figmentspot): Oh. RT @lit_hum: The self forms at the edge of desire, and a science of self arises in the effort to leave that self behind. - Anne Carson

I love Anne Carson the most, but no matter how many times I try to read this tweet, understanding-wise, I never really get past the "Oh."

Mott Romney ‏(@MottRomney2012): Put a gun in space. That's all i'm saying.

Nearly indistinguishable from the actual Republican platform, am I right??

Michael Robbins (‏@alienvsrobbins): Well, you can't expect competence from a company that would greenlight the slogan "what can brown do for you"

My response was "UPS prefers the term 'brownlight'"

Rotating Skull (‏@rotatingskull): The Bible is very clear on the matter. Marriage is between one man and about seven or more women. A sheep trade may be involved.

Again, nearly indistinguishable from ... something.

Eric Raymond ‏(@pontiuslabar): "At the job after the job after this job," is probably the wrong answer to the interview question "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

There are no good interview questions, just stupid interview questions.

Sandra Simonds ‏(@SandmanSimonds): i just won the walt whitman award, the yale younger, the "prize", just got published in the new yorker, poetry, boston review, yay!!!!!!!

No joke, EVERY TIME I read this tweet I almost pee. The "prize"!!!!

You all win the prize of my heart.


  1. Elisa, these are funny but your responses are even funnier! Thanks for the morning laugh.

  2. That Radiolab episode tripped my balls. In that connection, I've been told that Japanese people think traffic lights are red, yellow, and blue. No wonder they like trains so much, traffic must be terrible.

    1. Aha, it turns out that in Japan, the blue/green distinction = American imperialism.

      We even made them use the name of a liqueur as their word for "green." Anything to humiliate them was fair game, I guess.

    2. Ha. I think that happens in a lot of cultures/languages -- blue and green are lumped together initially.

  3. Don't say I win heart if you not give heart, you lying sack o' shit. I'm waiting for yr/my heart.

    1. You'll be waiting a long time. (My heart is invisible.)

  4. "At the job after the job after this job" etc. broke me up laughing.

    Once many years ago at a job interview, the interviewer at one point emphasized that the company had a very strict attendance policy. I asked specifically what the policy was, and she immediately said, "I don't know." Then she said I would need to ask one of the supervisors for details about the attendance policy -- which I wouldn't be able to do until after I started work there (assuming that I was in fact hired, which I wasn't). Haven't lost any sleep over that one...

    1. Ha ha! Ugh. I once made the mistake of answering an interviewer honestly when she asked why I really wanted the job, and I stumbled out something about how that particular job wasn't especially important to me, I just wanted to get some experience in publishing, and she looked at me and said "Wow." And after that I decided never to apply to another job I didn't really want.