@egabbert We didn't like the story, and the ending was especially awful.I was thinking that in order to be more believably "personalized," stock rejections should include oddly specific details, like horoscopes. Mark's version is more realistic than mine, but still not very realistic, because what editors actually read to the end of the story?!
— Mark Wallace (@MarkWallace1322) January 29, 2013
The NRA is rebranding "guns" to "2nd Amendment Delivery Devices".Gun control humor. I like it. Reminds me of this classic:
— irwin (@irwin) January 29, 2013
Don't bring a bag of Skittles to a gun fight.It's like the rabbit-duck illusion: funny/awful/funny/awful.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 20, 2012
You’re still going to the dentist? Jesus, get Google Mouth already.Ha ha! Matter of time.
— J. Robert Lennon (@jrobertlennon) January 24, 2013
You guys are we still even caring when some completely random uninteresting person says "poetry is dead" - who cares, they don't matterThis, of course, was in the wake of that ridiculous WashPo piece about poetry being dead, written by someone who also inexplicably thinks we don't need mail anymore. Alex Dimitrov is the whole reason I tweeted "I'm resistant to poetry about how sexy we are and what a good time we're having." Still, I enjoy his grouchy-sexy persona and love the texts in this e-chapbook from Floating Wolf Quarterly.
— Alex Dimitrov (@alexdimitrov) January 23, 2013
You fit on me like a hat on a head. Big hat. Big head.Referencing one of the only poems I read in a high school English textbook and actually liked. Why did I never think to use this as a general joke/tweet template? Thanks Lemon Hound.
— Lemon Hound (@lemonhound) January 18, 2013
Novels start out like "Yvette scuttled down the path" and Im like "whoa, whoa, whoa, no one knows who you're talking about, asshole."You've read this tweet, so now you don't need to buy an MFA. (Nice use of detail, I like how Yvette is a crab.)
— John Mulaney (@mulaney) January 17, 2013
@michellerobbins @dr_pete heh, the other day someone posted a “cloud porn” picture and I fully expected a server rack… they were just cloudsI wish I had written this poem.
— Joost de Valk (@yoast) January 16, 2013
Tile cleaner in my bathroom says"Streak Free!" I read it as "Steak Free!" and thought "Why would anyone wanna be steak free??? I'm fatSelf-deprecating fat humor doesn't usually work for me, but it's not usually this adorable.
— Lamont Price (@LPizzle) January 15, 2013
Guy in line at coffee shop complaining about not being able to find a job has a marijuana leaf tattoo on his neck.
— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) January 11, 2013
Minutes later, he told the barista that the half-and-half dispenser was "cashed." I...I think I love him.I'm betting right now that we are going to see this anecdote in an upcoming episode of Girls.
— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) January 11, 2013
I feel really "ready" to be accepted by Gulf CoastI too have felt my Gulf Coast virginity to be a burden. With Verse Daily, though, I've been denied for so long I think I'd just be annoyed if they ever put up a poem by me. I'm rejecting YOU Verse Daily! That's right! I'M rejecting YOU!
— Alice Bolin (@alicebolin) January 10, 2013
Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"Patty Lockwood's best sext ever? I think so. Also reminds me fondly of Dan Brown Book Club.
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 8, 2013
Not scientific, but it seems like babies with colds maybe don't suffer as much, like they *just* have symptoms, no narrative of suffering.A theory of drama, the whole sweep of human history, in one tweet. Kinda blew my mind.
— Devan Goldstein (@devan_) December 31, 2012
guys: anyone can write about anything, you don't have to read it, it's really REALLY not a big dealAll my favorite tweets are theories, see?
— Hanson O'Haver (@HansonOHaver) December 27, 2012
Commuting to work is like sex: even when it's good, it's nothing special, and when it's bad, it's very very very bad.In one of the possible worlds, everything isn't about sex all time. Sometimes I wish I could winter there.
— James (@15c3PO) December 18, 2012
How many times of not saying the bad swears after stepping on Legos in the dark before I'm declared a saint? I think I'm about to level up.Yet another way into my heart: the vocab of video games.
— Remy Nobody (@13thieves) December 17, 2012
I hate to be racist but this egg nog is waaaay better than white people.
— Remy Nobody (@13thieves) December 5, 2012
Two Remy's in a row?! Included because this is the only tweet in the list that actually made me full-on LOL again, and I don't even want to try to explain it. Carry on, lovers.