Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My favorite tweets of all time, part 3

I haven't compiled one of these in a while, and I'm in need of cheering up, so let's do this! It's my favorite tweets of all time, part 3, this time with better embedding, featuring tweets from the past couple of months. (Here's Part 1 and Part 2.)
I was thinking that in order to be more believably "personalized," stock rejections should include oddly specific details, like horoscopes. Mark's version is more realistic than mine, but still not very realistic, because what editors actually read to the end of the story?!
Gun control humor. I like it. Reminds me of this classic:
It's like the rabbit-duck illusion: funny/awful/funny/awful.
Ha ha! Matter of time.
This, of course, was in the wake of that ridiculous WashPo piece about poetry being dead, written by someone who also inexplicably thinks we don't need mail anymore. Alex Dimitrov is the whole reason I tweeted "I'm resistant to poetry about how sexy we are and what a good time we're having." Still, I enjoy his grouchy-sexy persona and love the texts in this e-chapbook from Floating Wolf Quarterly.

Referencing one of the only poems I read in a high school English textbook and actually liked. Why did I never think to use this as a general joke/tweet template? Thanks Lemon Hound.
You've read this tweet, so now you don't need to buy an MFA. (Nice use of detail, I like how Yvette is a crab.)
I wish I had written this poem.
Self-deprecating fat humor doesn't usually work for me, but it's not usually this adorable.

I'm betting right now that we are going to see this anecdote in an upcoming episode of Girls.

I too have felt my Gulf Coast virginity to be a burden. With Verse Daily, though, I've been denied for so long I think I'd just be annoyed if they ever put up a poem by me. I'm rejecting YOU Verse Daily! That's right! I'M rejecting YOU!

Patty Lockwood's best sext ever? I think so. Also reminds me fondly of Dan Brown Book Club.
A theory of drama, the whole sweep of human history, in one tweet. Kinda blew my mind.
All my favorite tweets are theories, see?
In one of the possible worlds, everything isn't about sex all time. Sometimes I wish I could winter there.
Yet another way into my heart: the vocab of video games.

Two Remy's in a row?! Included because this is the only tweet in the list that actually made me full-on LOL again, and I don't even want to try to explain it. Carry on, lovers.


  1. These are really good. I’m not on Twitter so they help me stay culturally relevant.

    Also: I live in Portland, OR now! Come read here when your new book comes out! Or just when.

    1. I would love to! I've never been to Portland. What series should I shoot for?

  2. If you are looking for a joke that is going to reel in your friends, and have them hooked on puns, fish puns might be the real answer to your prayers. Why you are praying about fish, I’m sure I don’t know, so I’ll just assume it was for the halibut.

  3. Hmmm.... I'd shoot for Bad Blood or If Not For Kidnap. I'm still kind of new in town, though, and I know there's alot more. Let me know when and I'll definitely ask around for you.

    Hope all is well in Denver!

  4. I broke up laughing at the one about stepping on Legos in the dark.

  5. I'm going to be the first--and probably the only--to confess that I didn't understand most of these. I got the Margaret Atwood parody and the two marijuana ones. But I don't know what Skittles and "Google Mouth" are. I don't know what "object access protocol" and "server rack" mean. The "steak free" one--I don't get it. He's fat, so he doesn't want to be steak free? I don't get it. The Dan Brown one I don't get. Doesn't he write bad drugstore thrillers or some such? The eggnog one I don't get. "[E]ven when it's good, it's nothing special, and when it's bad, it's very very very bad": do you think that's true of sex? The one by John Mulaney reminded me of something Silliman linked to, an annoying essay that satirized a Spencer Short poem. Did Silliman think it was funny, or just symptomatic of the prevailing contempt for poetry that's at all enigmatic and cerebral?

    Is it age? Am I getting old?

    1. The Skittles tweet is a reference to Trayvon Martin, who was carrying a bag of Skittles when he was shot by George Zimmerman in Florida last year. One of a series of incidents (including the mass shootings in Colorado and Connecticut) that has sparked big gun control debates in the past year.

      "Google Mouth" is not a real thing, it's a joke based on the fact that Google keeps expanding into more and more areas (Google cars, etc.). SOAP, server racks, etc. are also tech-related. You've heard of "the cloud," right? Like storing your data in the cloud? It refers to distributed/networked storage. Hence servers.

      Dan Brown writes terrible thrillers with huge plot holes that make no sense. Not sure what is hard to get about that one.

      I don't think it's age, I think it's stubbornness to a degree. Sorry, but they're not all THAT obscure! What's hard to get about the steak one? You know, steak? Like a cut of beef? That you can eat? Yum!

      The eggnog one doesn't really make sense except that whenever people say "Not to be racist" or "I'm not racist, but" they always follow it up something racist. The joke is that the comment here is too absurd to be really racist. Plus white people suck, etc.

  6. Oh, you mean a STEAK! That you can put on a black eye, right? Okay, I think we're on the same webpage now.

    Still don't get it. Just obtuse, I guess.

    1. I don't get how you can't get that! You're beyond ME now. You're superior in your not getting it.

  7. I adore all of these (although my favorite may be the cashed half-n-half). Thanks for cheering all of us up, and I hope it cheered you too.

    1. You are welcome my darlink. (P.S. I have some perfume for you.)