Friday, June 14, 2013

My favorite tweets of all time, part 4

I went on a favoriting rampage earlier this week. It seems like I favorite more tweets when I'm emotionally or physically compromised in some way – when I'm sad or hungover or there's been a mass shooting, etc. (mass shootings and hangovers seem to happen at roughly the same frequency these days). So I'm faving all these tweets and I realize it's been about six months since I posted some of my favorites. So here we go!
This is what I've been saying! We've trod all over this question before (Do women think they're uglier than they are or do they just pretend to think they're ugly for social purposes?) but I wonder, are men really invested in this idea that beautiful women don't know they're beautiful? Isn't that directly contrary to the idea, often attributed to celebrities in "the sex issue" of various magazines, that confidence is sexy? Or are songs like this just telling women what they think we want to hear, i.e., maybe we're more beautiful than we think we are? (Contrary to the message of that recent Dove campaign, studies have shown most people's mental image of themselves is slightly hotter than the reality.)
Someone recently – Alex Estes I think – was complaining that nobody had made a good NSA joke yet. This is my favorite so far, but I'll give a tip of the hat to the two below as well:

Actually the candy bar tweet might beat out Colson's.

This was from a conversation going on in response to this review in Bookforum of Katherine Angel's Unmastered. I haven't read the book, but it's obvious pretty early on that they got someone who doesn't like sex, feminism, or memoirs to review a feminist memoir about sex. I hadn't even noticed the irony of Cristina Nehring's complaining that she didn't like any of the content and to boot, it was too short (you know that old Yiddish joke about small portions, right?).
Have I included this guy in my roundups before? He's a genius.
I'm always into jokified poem tweets; see the Lemon Hound tweet in Part 3. And Belz is the master of the "Uggh" tweet. See also:
And this blast from the past (April 2012?! We were alive then?)
OK it's my fault for reading beauty blogs and Allure and shit but I feel this way about "pop of color" and "beachy waves."
I was laughing at this one for HOURS.
I saw Sommer later in the day on May 31 and she was like, "Can you believe no one RT'ed or faved that?" But I see it's become something of a "sleeper hit."
The equivalent of opening an email to a coworker four cubes down with "I hope this finds you well."
Once-friend @rotatingskull actually blocked me over a GIF/JIF argument a couple weeks ago. People feel STRONGLY about this, guys. And I'm one of 'em!

OK, one more for now:
I'm not even sure what the Shock Top logo looks like, but I'm picturing a cross between the Kool-Aid pitcher and one of those suns wearing sunglasses.

Wow. I was pretty close:

Until next time. (And check out the first, second, and third editions.)


  1. pop of color IS pretty bad. since i read a lot of personal blogs, i'm also so tired of "my own little corner of the internet" and its variations. THE INTERNET DOES NOT HAVE CORNERS.

    1. How about just an end to the faux-humble "I just can't believe anyone even reads this blog!!!" blogger declarations, ugh.

    2. Funny story, when I was a sophomore there was a freshman girl that entered my [tiny, conservative, competitive, social-climbing, horrible] undergrad institution. She had a website where she posted questionable pictures of herself, which was entitled "[REDACTED]'S LITTLE HOLE ON THE WEB."

      Needless to say, she transferred out after her first year. Honestly, I felt for her both then and now. Of course, though, every time I see "My little corner" or some variation of thereof on a website, I think of that site.

  2. The one that made me laugh the most was "Today's high is 69..." which gives me a pretty good idea of the frame of mind I'm in right now.

    I also haven't seen a lot of humor, exactly, about the NSA stuff, though the news stories have been ripe with irony. The government simultaneously insisting that the disclosures are of little consequence and should be disregarded, "We're not listening to your phone conversations," and at the same time insisting that the disclosures have done deep harm to the United States and that the person who allegely made the disclosures should be prosecuted or worse. Interesting, watching them try to dance in two directions at once.

  3. I like Molly Laich's tweets. She's funny and interesting without trying too hard, without trying to sound like a comedian's one-liners:

    I just had to look up what a merkin is, oh, ha ha
    This German shepherd looks like a monster in my lap!
    why are half the women in this Starbucks 9 months pregnant, stop having kids you freaks.
    There are men in my backyard grappling over who gets this pile of rocks they both know about.
    oh man I just found out that walking dogs is like well known as a loser job. that sucks. I seriously thought I was cool.
    the guy behind the counter at taco bell just used the word "obstinate," as in "this burrito is being obstinate [about getting in the bag]"
    guess we'll keep texting for drugs using weird codes. here's my go to: "hey sailor, sugar needs some chicken." they never know what I mean.
    saw this guy's dick hanging out on the street today, and it made me so upset and angry. I mean, who knows when I'll see a dick again.
    I should get to choose the dick is what I'm saying.
    Too many tweets today sorry I have all these funny thoughts and no friends
    shittyapartmentfinder dot com doesn't exist but it really should.
    I dreamt I went on an important trip but forgot to pack any books for the plane. and we all lived in the mall, like in Logan's Run.
    there's nothing more embarrassing than perusing a man's favorite films, books and music on an internet dating site. for the man I mean.
    all these men on okcupid are like, "I love life!" ugh. puke. I hate that.
    57 cents in my bank account right now lol I'm such a shithead.
    What percent hobo are you? I'll go first: 50%

    1. I taught you everything you know about Molly Laich!


    2. Another writer you turned me on to is Nick Demske. I'd known of him, but you made me buy his book of sonnets.

    3. Absolument. À lire absolument.

      'Scuse me, I've had a few glasses of wine.

  4. Gif, clearly. Not jif. Right?