Wednesday, July 31, 2013
My brother visited me in Denver this weekend. (We went hiking on Saturday; that's a view from the trail up to Lost Lake.) It's bittersweet to see him because even though our relationship is a lot better than it was three years ago, it's nothing like it used to be, and I have to come to terms with the possibility that we'll never fully recover.
The feeling that oppresses me when we're together is one of unrequited like. I know he loves me because I'm his sister and that's just basic. But I no longer know, as I did when we were younger, if he likes me. The thing is, I don't need everyone to like me, I really don't. I'm too outspoken, I can be aggressive, abrasive, I'm dismissive of conventions in a way I'm sure is casually offensive to many, especially on first impression. But most of the time, people that I like like me back, if they give me a chance. (Why wouldn't they? I'm smart! I'm funny! I'm a good friend! I don't lie and I try hard not to hurt people!) And most of the time, if someone doesn't like me, it's easy enough to roll my eyes and forget about them. You can't please all of the people, etc.
But there are certain cases where I like someone and they don't like me, and it gets to me. It always seems impossible—we appear to be similar types of people, where is the disconnect? You know how some people, when you tell them you disagree with them, keep insisting that you must not understand their position? It's like that, I feel that they must be missing something, that they couldn't possible dislike me "on my own terms."
I think the issue is that, over the years, my brother has changed more than I have. He's become the type of person that I'd normally just let not like me, but when I look at him I remember who he was at 19 or 22, and that's the person I keep trying to win back.